5-18: 01 – being

Being a Buddhist has nothing to do with Buddhism.

5-16: 02 – War destroys Buddhas.

If everyone is already Buddha, then my father is Buddha. But my father was sent to war before he could realize his perfection. My father was cut off from his own enlightenment by a war — by government sanctioned violence.

He was only nineteen when he was drafted. He was a child. What complete suffering he must endure as an old man. My poor father.

I would like to speak with to him. I would like to tell him that I understand. But his mind is lost. He’s far too paranoid.

I must let go of my desire for my father’s presence. He will never be what I need. He’s lost. It isn’t his fault.

Life is disappointing.

Right action: I must turn my attention to abolishing war. War destroys Buddhas.

5-16: 04 – always already lost

In a moment you come back to me. It was all an elaborate hoax. You realized that I would never believe in myself unless I lost you.

So, you faked your own death. Everyone was in on it. You got the idea from that movie Anger Management, with Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler.

Do you remember that scene with Sandler’s childhood bully, who is now a Buddhist Monk, but still an asshole underneath all the self control?

Sure, Sandler kicks his ass and makes a fool out of him in front of all the other monks. It was the huge cathartic moment of the flick.

Right! I saw that scene, and I thought: Holy shit! That’s chuck. That monk was you, man!

Gee, thanks.

Hahaha. Not that you’re an asshole or anything, I just mean…you hadn’t worked through your sadness and your anger, you had only suppressed it.

Yeah…

And I was enabling you to suppress it. As long as you could depend on me…you couldn’t face down your demons. You couldn’t learn that you could do it on your own.

Yeah, but…

So, I had to remove myself from your mind completely. I had to die in your mind. So, I did. And it worked!

Yeah, but…Sang!

The movie’s over. The dishes are drying in the drain. I’m alone. I’m silent. I breath evenly. I sigh.

I want my friend to be alive again. I crave his company. I want to see him again, someday. I want that to be true so badly. I desire it so strongly. I suffer.